The Vicious Cycle Of Spying On Your Spouse & How To Stop

The Vicious Cycle Of Spying On Your Spouse & How To Stop

Perhaps it only happened that one time. You promised yourself it would never happen again. It’s not a big deal. But just like Jim Morrison’s spy, you suddenly know everything your partner is doing, everywhere they go, everyone they know.

This knowledge can help to quiet that part of you wishing to dig through your partner’s emails, texts, or social media accounts . . . for a time.

However, you’ll most likely find this habit is tricky to let go of, made even more difficult if something suspicious is uncovered.

How does one relinquish a habit that allows for peace to wash over you for at least a brief moment? A moment you feel vindicated in your relationship unease, validated amidst the distress that has snuck into your home, into your marriage.

This lucidity vanishes quickly as the need to spy, the need to know, is constantly at war with the part of you that wants to move towards something better with your partner.

It can become difficult to see that this digging only increases the vicious cycle of secretive habits. And become even worse if you decide to keep the spying from your partner, ignoring the power-packed by the lie of omission.

Numerous things boost this need to find knowledge.

Many times, it is spurred by the infidelity of a past partner.

The part of you that remembers the effects of this betrayal attempting to help you, to ensure you aren’t subjected to such pain a second time or that, at the very least, you’re prepared.
It might be stemming from a lack of trust, only creating more issues in the long run as this behavior is utilized to feed the mistrust.

The need to check your partner’s phone may have grown out of a lack of communication resulting from a distance in the relationship. This distance can increase suspicion. Who are they connecting with, if not you? Suddenly, you’ve become the spy in the relationship, which only increases the chasm between you and your partner.

It can be tough to turn that focus back on oneself.

If you find that you can’t stop checking, it can help to question what might fuel this behavior.

Ask yourself what is prohibiting you from merely having a conversation with your partner in an open manner.

This conversation can heighten vulnerability, but it will inevitably increase trust rather than create a cycle of dishonesty, which will inevitably keep you and your partner stuck.
If you need support in this venture, I recommend reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide you additional insight and advocate for your relationship’s health and success.

7 Ways to Build And Maintain Relational Trust

7 Ways to Build And Maintain Relational Trust

One of the essential qualities a thriving couple must have is trust. Only relational commitment trumps trust in the hierarchy.

 Thriving Couples Model

An uncommitted person is challenging to trust. We tend to hold ourselves back and are suspicious of the indecisive person. 

Other essential qualities, like communication, problem-solving, friendship, and intimate sexuality all presuppose trust as a given.  

If I do not trust you, it does not matter what communication method we use. 

As one woman yelled during a session after learning a communication technique, “I do not believe a word he says!” 

Likewise, why would I want to spend time with you or be intimate with you if I cannot trust you? 

For these reasons, I advise couples to spend a considerable amount of time investing in developing and maintaining trust between each other. 

Relational trust is the wire around the electrical current that fuels the couple’s synergy. 

Unfortunately, an exposed live wire is dangerous and can cause tremendous damage. 

Furthermore, without trust, relationships tend to explode into panic mode and burn down everything in sight. 

So, before discussing 7 ways to develop and maintain trust with your spouse, let’s understand what trust means. 

Trust means you are dependable. 

Our anxiety skyrockets when uncertain looms. As children, we depend upon our parents to create a safe environment for us to explore. Too much adventure leads to trauma. 

Our spouses also depend on us to show up at the right time and in the right way. 

This creates ease of mind. 

Trust means you are responsible. 

When we get into a committed relationship, we take upon ourselves a considerable obligation. 

Part of this obligation is the ability to adult. 

Adulting means you can control yourself and have the wisdom to know how to care for yourself, your spouse, and your children. 

Trust means you are reliable. 

One of the leading causes of mistrust is inconsistency.  

If we are unpredictable in our choices and reactions, it creates tension in our spouse, making them feel like they are walking on eggshells. 

When our spouses can rely upon us, the opposite happens. They develop confidence that they can come to us with their emotions, needs, and desires. 

Trust means you are protective. 

When I hire a babysitter, my number one expectation is that my child will be alive when I get home. 

This is so basic that it is assumed on an unspoken level. 

Part of relational trust is that we are protecting each other. 

Of course, this means physical and emotional safety, but it also means that we are protecting each others’ hearts.  

For example, I do not joke about infidelity or threaten separation when I am upset. 

Both of these tend to undermine our shared commitment. 

How, then, does a spouse build and maintain trust. Below you will find a visual guild that will work you through seven ways to do this.