“Your spouse having an affair is not your fault!”
I know that you might be feeling like it is.
Or maybe your spouse is even trying to convince you that if you would just be more ________ (fill in the blank) or less _______ (fill in the blank), then he or she won’t have gone outside the marriage to seek _______ (fill in the blank).
But, the fact remains, your spouse having an affair is not your fault.
Yes, your marriage might not have been the best marriage in the world.
Maybe you guys fought a lot or have been having sexual or intimacy issues.
Of course, no one is perfect, and so I am sure we could collaborate to see what you could have done better in your marriage.
But why should we, therefore, conclude from you not being a perfect person that your spouse has a good reason to wonder?
Is There Ever A Reason To Have An Affair?
Struggling in marriage is not a good reason to be unfaithful.
In fact, there’s no such thing as a good reason to be unfaithful.
As I tell my clients all the time, “Your marriage having problems needs to be owned by both spouses, but how each of you individually reacts to your relationship difficulties is all on you as an individual.”
Having an affair is just one way to act to a struggling marriage.
If you think about it, there are all sorts of healthy and unhealthy ways to respond. Your spouse could have found Jesus (the healthy way) or became a drunk (the unhealthy way).
And, believe it or not, this is why it’s not your fault.
But here’s the problem.
No matter how many times you try and stop blaming yourself, the likelihood of you being able to stop on your own is very slim.
What’s The Solution?
That’s where counseling comes into the play ( the healthy way).
Talk therapy has been shown to help individuals work through the trauma of an affair.
What I would recommend you do is find a good marriage counselor and begin the process of healing.
If you’re in the Cedar Rapids, Iowa area, I would love to help you in any way that I can.
I am a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I specialize in relationships and trauma. I see both individuals and couples to get them back on track.